The Soloists

Last month, a Dominican priest (Fr. Patrick Mary Briscoe, OP) and I were invited to record a podcast episode hosted by two women (Diana Brown and Mallory Everton) who are part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS). Diana had reached out to me after our dating event at the National Eucharistic Congress this past July. She correctly deduced that we were kindred spirits who would have much in common when it came to navigating the dating scene after a certain age. After a couple meetings in DC over coffee (me) and juice (her), we identified something that our traditions shared in one way but differed in another: the understanding of celibacy. We chose that as our podcast topic, and Fr. Patrick invited us to read the short work Virginity: A Positive Approach to Celibacy for the Sake of the Kingdom of Heaven by Raniero Cantalamessa, OFM Cap. For almost two hours, the four of us discussed abstinence before marriage (which our religious traditions have in common) and the vow of lifelong celibacy (which the LDS do not have).

We had an interesting and surprisingly moving conversation, which I hope you will take the time to listen to. One of the topics that came up as we chatted was the pressure that young Catholics feel to “choose a vocation.” Fr. Patrick and I shared: starting with Baptism in the Catholic Church, you are exhorted to discover your vocation in Christ. Your vocation is understood as the way that you will give back to God all that He has given to you. He has a plan for you, a mission that only you can fulfill, and this mission is entrusted to you at Baptism as an infant (or later, as the case may be). You are told to expect “God’s call” to either marriage or religious life at any time. Boys are urged to consider the priesthood – especially now that there is a shortage of priests – and girls are dressed up as nuns for All Saints Day. The two ways to serve God and the Church are set before you: marriage or consecrated celibacy.

Therefore, as you grow up in the Catholic Church, if you are serious about your faith and desirous of following God’s will, the question lingers: What vocation is God calling me to? Since marriage is the universal call (unless you are called out of it, you may assume you are called to it), this has led, sociologically speaking, to a significant number of single Catholics who are in a sort of limbo. We are not considered by the Church to be in a vocation in the classic, traditional sense of the term, because we have not made a lifelong commitment. We are called to live out the Gospel, but unlike our cohorts in married or consecrated life, we do not have a roadmap for what that looks like.[i]

Cantalamessa acknowledges the reality of single people who wanted to marry but never did, and to us he offers this advice: “You need only accept the situation as something allowed by God, reconcile yourselves to that way of life and use your greater freedom to devote yourselves to prayer and to the Gospel cause” (p. 85). Single people can do this in part because of the witness of priests, brothers, and religious sisters who demonstrate that forsaking a family on this earth can be offered up to God and bear fruit that is invisible. Being single, then, is not only or even primarily a lack, but it is a state of wholeness and availability. Virginity for the sake of the Kingdom – lived out in concrete persons that I know—reminds me that virginity in the world is not meaningless either, that it is also for the Kingdom, for however long it lasts.

This brings us to the dialogue with the LDS, who are, by contrast, focused on marriage both in this world and the next. One’s spouse is called one’s “eternal companion,” and the expectation is that childbearing will continue throughout eternity. The pressure that young LDS adults feel is focused on who to marry, not about whether to marry at all. I asked Diana before the recording whether marrying was a moral imperative for the LDS, and she replied that only the married enjoy exaltation (also called “eternal progression”), so while some people may not marry on earth, there is hope that they could marry in the afterlife. In this way, the two religious traditions are in direct contrast. Traditional Catholic teaching is that celibacy is the objectively superior state, more closely related to the eternal Kingdom of God (it is, after all, the kind of life that Christ chose) while for the LDS, marriage is what will last forever. This places a lot of pressure on young LDS to marry, and when there is a significant difference in the numbers of women vs. men active in the church (Diana says it is about 6 to 1), this is a serious problem!

The discussion with Diana and Mallory helped me to identify what elements of Catholicism are helpful (spiritually and psychologically) in processing my single state, and what elements are challenging. The Catholic Church’s teachings on Jesus’ personal love for me—irrespective of my state in life—and the teaching on Baptism are helpful to me on a daily basis. But the pressure over the years to consider a religious vocation was not helpful, especially when paired with a lack of dating experience. The Catholic Church’s focus on religious vocations might be one obstacle to creating a healthy dating culture in the Church. We routinely pray during Mass for an increase in vocations to the priesthood and religious life, and almost never pray for an increase in marriages. When I was in college, asking someone on a date was practically a marriage proposal, and a relationship that didn’t work out was considered a black mark on the person. This has to change.

For Diana and Mallory, the focus on marriage also imports a high level of pressure onto every date. The LDS may be spared the mental gymnastics over whether they are called to marriage, but that does not make finding and committing to a partner any easier. The LDS as an institution at least tries to facilitate and encourage dating. They have singles wards (the equivalent of parishes) and they host large events specifically for young adult singles that are fun and exciting (a recent one in DC included an evening social at the National Museum of Natural History). I am genuinely impressed and edified by the care that the older members of the LDS church have for the younger in this search for a partner, even if the numbers are against them.

I hope you will check out The Soloists, “What is the point of celibacy?”, and let us know what you think!

[i] One could argue, of course, that every married couple feels this way too, and just has to find their own way. Fair enough, but having children if one can is an example of something that is essential to marriage, whereas a single person may wonder if he/she should foster or adopt children, and there is no teaching either way to guide that decision (as just one example).