Ed Condon’s 10 Rules for Dating
Every time I write something about dating in the Catholic world, I know that at a certain level, I am taking my future in my hands. Dating as a Catholic woman is rough, but you may not know that if you don’t know us well, because it’s not something that we love to share publicly. After all, who wants to date a woman who might tell the world how bad your date was? Won’t she just roast every man who tries to take her out? (The answer is no, by the way, she won’t… at least not by name.)
When Ed Condon wrote 10 rules for dating, aimed at the young men in his audience, I was struck by their common sense, their simplicity, and also, from my undoubtedly limited perspective, how often they are not followed.
Since I think that it helps to hear concrete stories about what may seem to be abstract or arbitrary rules, I am going to offer some stories from my own dating life—both the bad and the good—in hopes that young men can take Ed’s advice to heart.
Each of the rules, then, is Ed’s. The stories are mine.
- Dress the part
It was a first date with someone I connected with on Hinge. We had exchanged enough messages to establish a baseline interest, and one of the things that I knew about him was that, like so many single men in the DC area, he was a lawyer. We arranged to meet at a fast casual place after work one evening. I picked dark jeans and a nice sweater and jewelry, and when I arrived, I looked around the restaurant for my date and did not recognize him. I must have looked right past him.
Not only was he scruffier than his pictures (he clearly hadn’t shaved in a while and his hair was brushing his shoulders, whereas in his pictures he was clean shaven and had short hair), he was wearing a long-sleeved marathon T-shirt and cargo pants, sitting and waiting for me to notice him.
Now, as Ed said, clothes don’t make the man, but they do communicate something, and this outfit communicated to me that either he doesn’t get dressed well for work every day, or he cared so little about this date that he went home and intentionally dressed down for it. Either way, meeting me for a date was clearly not something he gave much thought to.
Here’s an opposite story: I was in NYC for a weekend and a male friend-maybe-date met me at my hotel to take me out for the evening. He had a bag in his hand when he arrived, and tennis shoes on his feet. He said, “Just wait here, I gotta look better for this,” and he disappeared for a couple minutes, coming out in nice black shoes. It was such a small thing but it was so affirming and made me feel much more special.
- No phones
Thankfully, I haven’t experienced many violations of this rule, with the exception of one date who, for no clear reason, decided we should spend some of our first date answering trivia questions. (???)I don’t know whether this was to test my intelligence or just a social crutch; either way, I saw no reason to repeat the experience.
- Pay her compliments
This is nice and simple and can help make the woman you are with feel more comfortable with you. She is wondering if you are actually interested in her or if you were just bored and looking for a date, any date.
- Ask her questions
I cannot tell you the number of times that I have come home from a date and realized that the man did not ask me a single question about myself. He might have asked if I know X or Y, or if I watch the series Z, but nothing about my inner life or my thoughts or beliefs on things that he happily opined on. He may have managed a, “And what about you?” when I’d asked a question, but that was the best he could do.
One memorable moment was when a man ordered calamari for “us” as an appetizer without asking me if I liked calamari, and then when it came and I didn’t eat any, he got a bit huffy and asked, “Why did you let me order it then?” I calmly responded, “You didn’t ask.” I’m still not sure what he expected me to do exactly—interrupt him while he was ordering? Stop the waitress and tell her, “Actually, I won’t eat that, so maybe he doesn’t want it”?
On the other hand, it is always a delight to sit across from someone who is genuinely curious and interested and who understands the natural back-and-forth of a good conversation.
- Make eye contact
This is where Ed and I may differ a bit (but not much). Eye contact is important, but *too much eye contact* can also be uncomfortable. How much is too much?
I was on a second date with a nice man and we had taken a walk to a restaurant which happened to be close to train tracks. We had ordered and were chatting when a train arrived and was passing by, making far too much noise to continue a normal conversation. My date said – jokingly, but not – “Now it’s time to just stare into each other’s eyes.” It was very uncomfortable because it was a long train!
Make eye contact like a normal human being—which is to say, look at the person’s eyes while they are talking, blink normally, look away when the waitress comes, look up and to the right when you’re thinking about an answer, look back at their eyes, etc. Don’t stare at other women who are walking past the table or coming in the door. Try to stay focused.
And yes, we absolutely do notice if you are looking somewhere on our person that you shouldn’t be. Don’t do it. If a woman is wearing a normal top that is not meant to draw attention to a certain part of her body, she is going to be particularly unimpressed if you can’t seem to stop looking at it.
- Stand up
I’m with Ed on this one, even if it is old-fashioned. Especially when you arrive at a restaurant or bar and your date is already there waiting, if he doesn’t stand up to greet you… what is that?
Maybe you don’t stand all the way up when she gets up to go to the bathroom or comes back, but a little gesture is nice. (This particular point might have a lot to do with whether a woman’s father did this for women when she was growing up.)
- Be normal
Ed says the other way to put this is, “Don’t be weird.”
There are ways of being weird that are part of who you are and how you think, so don’t feel like you need to hide how weird you are in those ways – but everyone also has weird things that should be kept to themselves until there is appropriate trust and vulnerability established in the relationship.
The most common way I’ve experienced men not being normal on a first date is by oversharing. Remember, the person you are with on a first date is still essentially a stranger, so you want to talk about things that you don’t mind a stranger knowing, basically.
Another woman commented to me that the first three dates, in a dating app situation where the two people are strangers to each other, should actually be categorized as -3, -2, and -1 in terms of level of intimacy. Men have to prove themselves to be 1) Not dangerous, 2) Not predatory in a less overt way, and 3) Trustworthy. This takes time.
The first three dates are not the time to share your insecurity about your ex’s new husband, or your struggle with pornography. Don’t talk about how your parents’ marriage has scared you away from ever making that commitment, or how you still think about your girlfriend from 5 years ago as the one who got away. Strangers do not need to know these things.
Relatedly, even though Ed and his Mrs. knew early on that they were going to be married, as a general rule, don’t put that much pressure on your early dates. Just get to know the person.
- Be positive
This is related to the one above – it’s simply not time to be vulnerable when it’s your first meeting. If you were already friends, that’s a different story, but if this is a dating app connection or a set up, you want to come across like a person who has their life together and looks at life with a positive attitude. Even if you feel like you don’t, at least fake it!
- Pay
I go either way on this one (I don’t resent paying if that is the way things work out best) but I thought Ed’s points were spot-on. The most important part of this is not to make a big deal about it.
I met another date at a fast-casual place once, the kind of place where you look at a list of options at front and then “build” your meal as you go down the line. In the first two minutes after greeting each other, my date said, “Now I want you to know that this is on me. I know some women get anxious about whether they have to pay or whether the guy is going to pay, so I just want to get that out front that I would like to treat you.” We are talking about a $10 meal here. Why did he have to make it weird? It would have been so much better and less awkward to just follow me down the line and then at the end say, “I’ve got this.”
This is not a red flag, mind you. It’s not like this was the reason I didn’t keep seeing this man, but it did set up a social awkwardness at the very beginning which I was then on the lookout for.
Most women appreciate when the man pays, and not just because of money saved. It communicates an intention on the part of the man: This is not just two friends meeting up for dinner, it’s a date.
Now, if a man starts to feel used, like the woman is only seeing him to get a free meal, that’s a problem. At some point in the relationship, there should be some mutuality here, I think. But at least at the beginning, try to show that it’s worth it to you to spend money in order to spend time with her.
- Call her
A shocking suggestion! If a man actually called me after a date, I think I might fall down from shock. Text messages are standard, so if you want to stand out, definitely make the call. If she liked you, she will be thrilled to hear your voice, and if she didn’t like you, she will at the very least admire your courage.
I highly recommend reading Ed’s original piece. Good luck to all of us out there.
Photo by Yianni Mathioudakis on Unsplash (and yes, I wish we all got to go on a date in Greece)